A Million Little Pieces

We don't use "care" as a noun much anymore. It's still around (e.g., I don't have a care in the world), but we've generally replaced it with "concerns" and the like. It's a little old-fashioned to say one has "cares."

But we did. And "careless," in fact, used to mean "without a care," essentially the way we sometimes use "carefree." To be careless was to be unburdened. How funny we now use it to mean "absent-minded" or without thinking (which is what "thoughtless" was for, but now it means being unconcerned with one's actions and how they affect others. Language is always entertaining).

I'm not sure why that's been bouncing around my brain lately, other than I've been thinking that "compassion" should be a verb. I would like to compassion more. Like that.

The word essentially means empathy, to suffer or feel alongside someone else, with someone else, but "I empathize" is cold and shallow, superficial sounding. "I compassion" is awkward but still. It's on my mind.

Personally, I'd like to compassion better, if only for distraction. It's not about feeling sorry for someone, I think – it means walking with someone, taking the painful steps in sync, sharing the journey. It's a powerful thing when done well, compassion.

I feel the lack of compassion in my life. There's plenty of sympathy. I miss company.

A lot of this is on me. I didn't foresee being so needy; I always appreciate support, but I'm more comfortable if you just let me figure it out. 

But nothing in my life set me up for this. The isolation, the loneliness, the exhaustion compounding everything and making my brain wander in disturbing directions, sometimes. I over-react, I imagine, I assume. I don't know but I pretend I do.

This sickness has hollowed me out, and the emptiness is enormous. I see the world without nuance now; things just happen, and I can't understand most of it but only accept. 

I'm overwhelmed by so much. There's too much information out there, and my processing power has been severely limited. I miss entire concepts the way I miss words in a noisy room. I wait for context, hoping that I'll pull the pieces together, but I don't, usually. 

And the more confused I get, the less I want to engage. I just turn on my iPad and make cartoons, because duh. I'm simple now. I don't get most things.

This was a good week, and I suspect most of that was good sleep. Energy was nice, nothing spectacular but good. I stood on my feet too long and paid the price yesterday, but otherwise it's been encouraging.

Every step forward, though, reminds me of what I've lost and won't get back. Some of that is Me, too. Parts of me are missing and I just don't know, man. I don't think they're coming back.

And it's depressing to know I can't explain this. Or how (or why) I feel the way I do. That I led an illusory life, thinking I was sending ripples out into the world when really? I think we all just do what we can; life is tough. 

I actually made a list of good qualities and actions of mine over the years, trying to figure it out. This is a crazy thing to do and I really don't need to – I'm very aware of my history, good and bad. I'm comfortable with it all. I'm not sure there's much left to resolve.

But there I was, trying to turn loss into a number I could play with. Why does this not equal that? Why did doing this not result in that? Where are my blind spots?

Ugh. This is ugly stuff, right here, trying to justify hurt feelings. I hate being sensitive about this; if nothing else, it makes me so dependent on other people, and that's a disturbing (tenuous!) place to be.

And it's turned me. I've hurt some feelings myself in the past few years, not really justified, and it's not keeping me up nights. NEW RULES, I guess.

I do appreciate all the kindness, as distant as it has to be. It perks me up, truly. But distant is the operative word. Virtually all of my support has come from people who are nowhere near me, with no reasonable way to remedy that. I'm grateful, but I think you follow. Still alone in the room.

I miss being a nicer person. I miss thinking about symmetry, that everything evens out, that karma is real thing, a function of...energy or, I dunno. Some of my beliefs are not rational because I'm a human.

And Lord knows I've been thoughtless many, many times, and careless. I understand more, maybe, than you think from reading these baby whines here. Life is really tough now, the world looks awful, everyone is circling the wagons and putting their own oxygen masks on first, I get it. I get it. I've always reached for my mask first.

But I guess I just thought more people would have my back, and then I got sick and turned around to look and thought, Shit.